diary of an (almost) divorce

has it been that long?

2007-07-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

i can't believe that it's july 2007 and i haven't posted since october. i guess a lot of silence either means extreme good or extreme bad. it's done the pendulum swing, for sure. both good and bad stuff has happened.

bottom line? we're still hanging in there. or should i say i am. having a hard night right now. even though i've realized i have to be comfortable in my own skin and own existence and am the only one that can own ME, i still want to run away!! no, i'm not kidding.

lots of talk lately about moving. i'm thinking denver area. but he's miserable in his job and it's time for him to move on. so i'm pushing for out of state, or out of area at least. i know he's still in contact with her, i just don't know exactly to what extent and for what purpose. i figure that a great mileage distance involving an airline trip will squash more of this.

besides, what kind of psycho-bitch does it take to stay involved with a married man?? for cryin' out loud! oh yeah, here's the kicker... guess what her mother does for a living? no, seriously, guess... see the answer later. i really want you to give a good guess.

so don't run the whole question about what kind of a psycho-married-asshole it takes to stay involved with another woman. i've already asked that. more on another post.

so otherwise life is honkey dorey. lots of activities with the family. i started another business and he's very encouraging and supportive and helpful. lots of future plans, which had been missing prior to this past year. and occasional (we're working on this area) declarations that he wants to go do something with his wife.

you know what? i've won.

marriage and family therapist.

enjoy that giggle.

peace at the lake

2006-10-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

we went camping this weekend at a lake about an hour and a half from our house. besides the fact that he was a little cranky when we left home and when we got there (and acknowledged it!!! mark that date on the calendar!), we had a great time.

his parents were in the site next to us (it was planned that way). it was nice to get away and let the kids play and relax. we rented a pontoon boat on saturday and cruised the lake while stopping occasionally to fish. yeah, to fish, not catch. apparently the fish don't like us.

my husband was in his usual form... making jokes and picking on everybody. he was happy and laughing and the rest of us were too. it was a great weekend.

on the way home i was thinking to myself that i just needed to start being normal... as opposed to a wife that is getting over stuff. make sense? just be normal.

keep your fingers crossed that this works!

let me build one for you right now!

2006-10-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

he just called me on his way to the dealership. now mind you, the dealership is over on the side of town that he grew up in. and yes, there has been a lot of building and such in the 12 years he's been on "this side" of town. but he wants to know where the closest gas station is to the dealership.

so i give him two options.

not good enough.

then i give him a third.

still not good enough.

"dear god" is what i hear come out of his mouth. and if you heard the way he said it, you'd see his eyes roll back in his head and hear the "oooooooohhhhhh" in the back of his throat.

like i'm supposed to come over there and build a freakin' gas station for you right there in the middle of town? gimme a break.

i had even apologized for the miscommunication just 40 minutes earlier...

oy ve.

are you kidding me??

2006-10-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

i mean really, you've got to be joking. you can't be serious.

it's said that when you assume something you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." i assume often. but then again, i don't think my husband is always very specific.

we had a rental car yesterday that we re-picked up (they didn't fix my car right so we got back the same rental car we just turned in). my husband says to me as he starts the car, "do i have to worry about gas in this thing?" i said "no." we go on our merry way.

both of our cars are done at the dealership today, so i go back to pick up my car (after the shuttle comes to pick up me and the youngest). i take a few extra moments and pay for his car so that all he has to do is drop off the rental and pick up the keys to his car and jet home. i leave him a voicemail to that effect.

this afternoon i shoot him an e-mail telling him that he has to fill the gas tank in the rental car to just below 1/2 tank before turning it in or they'll charge us $5 a gallon. just want to give you a heads up.

no sooner do i hit "send" and the phone rings. "i asked you that question yesterday." what?? "i said do i have to worry about gas and you said no." i don't remember you asking that question and me giving that response. he spelled out when it happened. and i said yeah, i thought you were asking me if you needed more gas to get to work tomorrow. i was telling you that you were fine.

dang if he wasn't pissed at 1) the inconvenience that he has to a) get gas in the car and b) guess how much it will take to put it just below the halfway point and 2) that i accepted a rental car that did not have a full gas tank and 3) that i did not tell him yesterday that he had to worry about gas in that thing.

are you kidding me??

i apologized for not understanding his question. although i pointed out that if he had been more specific in his question that i would have answered it differently.

but give me a break.

any thank you's out there for lining stuff up at the dealership so you just had to pick up your car?

anyone? anyone? are you there?

oh brother.

it's good to be surrounded...

2006-10-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

...by people who know. by people who don't care. by family. by loved ones. by people who by extension become part of your family. by people who you don't have to say anything to or explain, they just understand.

i struggle with wanting to run away. my husband and i have even been discussing it. sometimes the urge is overwhelming. i just want to leave this place. i want to move far, far away.

my brother-in-law called yesterday and we chatted for a while. it was nice to be able to talk and throw some stuff out there. i told him that part of me wants to go away because i think that everyone around us judges us. or shall i say judges me? with every look, every comment, every move, i think that others judge me and my decisions. it's a horrible thing to live with. but my brother-in-law put it very succinctly: we don't think about it all that much. and for those who have the audacity to judge, fuck 'em. you don't need them.

he's right.

but i still want to move. i'm ready for a new adventure.

i hate my brain

2006-09-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

it thinks too much. it just doesn't stop. things are good. they are "proper," for lack of a better term. the dh is acting "appropriately." so what do i start doing?

i go snooping.

i feel a migraine coming on.

and then the phone rings...

2006-08-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

...this afternoon. it's the common friend. "would you like to meet at the pool this afternoon to go swimming?" made my day.

still want to run away, though. :-) just not as badly.

another runaway day

2006-08-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

yeah, it's another one of those. another day that i just wanna run away. why? well, another day i just feel alone.

i met someone new on the way to school one day. we have a friend in common. it turns out, though, that this friend in common is someone that, i judge, doesn't really want to be friends with me anymore based on what she knows about my life. the new friend said that she was going to try to have coffee on wednesday mornings at her house. how nice. and that she was sure the common friend has my number. so implying that the invite would be extended through the common friend to me... right? well, this morning i pass by the new friends house only to see the common friend's car parked right out front. no phone call. i'm sad.

i want to run away.

everybody knows.

it's my fault that they all know. i'm the one that told everyone. i'm the one that practically placed the ad in the newspaper. but i was done. it was over as far as i was concerned. i didn't think our marriage was salvageable. i didn't think we would even try to fix it. hell, i didn't want to. so why did i care who knew?

and now they all do.

and now i'm paying for it.

i just want to run away.

i want to pack everyone and everything up and move. away. where no one knows. and start new.

i wonder if this new friend knows. i hope not. i really don't think that the common friend would have said anything. i don't think she's like that. but i found myself crying on my way home from school this morning, reaching down to grab the hand of my youngest son and walking ever-so-quickly and ever-so-quietly as we went past the open windows of the new friend's house-on-the-corner. just hurrying home so i could hurt in the comfort of my own walls.

it begs the question... do i push people away? i wanted to pick up the phone and call a girlfriend or two, but i wondered if i just always buried myself inside of my own life and pushed people away. and if a phone call would seem self-serving or fake or insincere. am i one of those people you only hear from if i need something? maybe i am. i don't know. maybe i'm the pretentious bitch.

maybe if i run away i can be somebody's friend. maybe i can go somewhere else and pretend. maybe that will stop the hurt. i just want to run away from all of these people. my mom, my friends, my priest, my neighbors, my enemies, my former co-workers, my in-laws, my everything. people who are at times my greatest support system and my greatest pain. my greatest reminders. it hurts too much.

i just want to run away.

forgiveness

2006-08-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

well, we just got back from a follow up weekend to our first retrouvaille weekend. this one was called formation. the purpose is to delve further into your story and to start to tell it. so we had to write our introduction. it's a back-and-forth thing... how many years you've been married, kids, how you met, what led to the breakdown of your marriage, how things are going now, your hope for the future. quite powerful if you ask me.

for the first time in a long time, my husband actually tackled me on the bed and kissed me! i mean kissed me like he wanted me, loved me, needed me, had to have ME. it was pretty awesome. we talked. we cried. oh hell, i cried like a blubbering idiot for most of the weekend.

one of the questions that was asked: "if this were the last letter i would write to you, for what would i ask your forgiveness?" (if you are familiar with retrouvaille or marriage encounter, you'll understand the "letter" part.) my husband said he would ask forgiveness for not being a good father and for not being a good husband. wow.

he referenced the movie saving private ryan. at the end of the movie, the older version of private ryan asks his wife to tell him that he's been a good husband and a good father. my husband wrote that he has been striving everyday towards that goal. what a great way to end your day, on a reflective note. was i a good spouse today? was i a good parent? i'm sure that wouldn't be able to answer yes everyday. then again, with that thought in mind everyday, maybe i would strive a little harder, knowing that i had to answer that question at night for myself, honestly and reflectively.

so we forgave each other a little more this weekend. and i say that because i have learned that forgiveness is not necessarily a single act that wipes away one incident. sometimes it is an ongoing process. i find myself forgiving my husband every day. heck, sometimes i forgive him several times a day. and twenty minutes later i have to forgive him again. just because my heart and my mind begin to wander. it's not easy. but it is something we have both decided to do.

all me

2006-08-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

okay, now before you go dialing the one-eight-hundred-oh-my-gosh-keep-her-from-pulling-the-trigger hotline, i'm fine.

but did you ever think that there was no point? were you ever ready to just plain old give up? i am. i just think this is pointless. it's too hard. it's exhausting. i try and i try and i try. and just when i think i have control over my feelings and emotions, bam! i just want to fuckin' end it all.

i don't know how common this feeling is. or this desire. or whatever. i used to think it was very uncommon. i used to think i was the only one who felt this way.

but after seeing how commonplace other things are, i realized that maybe i'm just not alone.

how much of this is the devil?? sometimes i think that he's constantly there testing me and trying to send me down the wrong path.

sometimes i think i think too much. i analyze things too much. i think that everything is about me, when it certainly is not. and maybe that's the lesson in all of this.

i have my moments. it goes back and forth. i had a rotten day today. well, sometimes it was rotten other times it was fine. i had many moments today when i truly understood why some people lock themselves in their homes and never come out. there are very stupid people out in this world. i think i met most of them today. or at least the overwhelming majority of people who crossed my path today were in that "very stupid people" category.

then i talk to my husband on the phone today. damn, he had a bad day too. so i felt better that it wasn't just me who ended up with stupid people in my path. that we had something in common, something to talk about. unfortunately, because we both had bad days, i think we made poor partners for the other.

dinner sucked ass.

he headed off to the grocery store a few minutes ago. asked me if i wanted anything. i felt like asking him if he was upset with me, but didn't want to make it about me. so let him go. i don't anticipate he'll be gone long. but as he walks out the door, and trust me, i wanted to go to the store like that too, i can't help but feeling that i failed him today. but remember, this isn't only about me.

well, hell, this is my blog, so it's nothing else but about me. so there.

well fuck it. just done today. just don't want to do this anymore. but in five minutes i'll be fine. time to go back on the brain meds? or is it because there is truly something wrong in my life? how and when do i find the balance, the answers? i'm tired. i'm so very tired. i just don't want to do this anymore.

help.

wtf

2006-08-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

can't win... hell, i don't even think i'm talented enough to lose. at least not completely.

have you ever asked for forgiveness from someone? no, i don't mean just saying "i'm sorry" but actually saying "will you forgive me?" there is quite a difference. i think they both go hand-in-hand. you say the first to acknowledge your wrongdoing, you say the second to put your "release" into the hands of the other person. whether or not they forgive you is, well, up to them.

what do i get back? "it's not all about you." great. thanks. my purpose for asking for forgiveness and saying that i was sorry was not about me. it actually was about him. it truly was to acknowledge that i did something to hurt him and to show remorse, do penance, etc. it wasn't about me.

so off he goes to work. he has time to think about it. me and my big damn mouth. geez oh. and people wonder why i stop fighting. i stop fighting because when i let my mouth say what my mind is thinking, it gets me into more trouble. i just can't win.

you shoulda seen my dreams last night. oh boy. actually, you shouldn't have. i'm going to wipe those from all memory. ugh-leee.

psychotic people

2006-08-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

so i started a new job last night. and i quit it today.

crazy people, man. totally, completely, 100% psycotic, insane people. i've never....

my "hr" head was spinning, let alone my heeby-jeeby head and my consumer head. they make you clock out before you run your reports and close your cash drawer. then they take the bread that has already been at the table and served to people, return it to another bag and use it to make their croutons. yeah, so what, it's fried at 300-375 degrees and made into croutons. i don't care if it's cremated and sprinkled on top of the blackened swordfish. it's against health regs to take any food that has been served to any person or returned from any eating area to be served again or used in the preparation of other food. and then the owner wanted to argue with me over it on the telephone. whatever.

no loss. gotta find something to do from home. i mean, really, there must be something.

wish me luck.

the tiki room

2006-07-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

one of the birds in the tiki room and disneyland, "the happiest place on earth," says something so very funny. it was so funny i needed to write it down:

stop talking while i'm interrupting you!

this is my life.

i promise

2006-07-15T14:40:00.000-07:00

i forgot to post about father's day. i took my husband out on the night before father's day. unfortunately, it had been a horrible day, not to mention what the rest of the weekend would bring, but i was bound and determined to go out that night. i had his wedding ring re-sized (he had lost some weight over the previous couple of years and it would literally fall off of his finger) and engraved with the date of 6/17/06, which was our nine year, four month wedding anniversary. a new beginning? or the beginning of the end? sometimes i still wonder.

anyways, i gave him his father's day card from me and read the following to him:

"when i first married you 9 years, four months and a day ago, i did not know where life would take us. we have had wonderful blessings and desperate trials. we have been given a second chance at happiness for ourselves and together. since we’ve opened our eyes again, i see you, the man i chose twelve years ago, the man i’ve grown to love fully and completely. therefore, today, i promise…

…to interrupt you when you’re speaking only in case of an actual emergency.

…to say “i was wrong, you were right” when it’s actually true.

…to remind you of why you married me and why i married you.

…to be thankful for you everyday.

…to choose you everyday by saying “i do” to us.

…to share my feelings and thoughts and fears and dreams with you.

…to tell you, instead of someone else, when i’m mad at you.

…to kiss you when you come home and say goodnight before we fall asleep.

…to dream again.

…to tell you every day that i love you, and to show it with a smile, a kiss, a tender touch.

…to not take you for granted.

…to take responsibility for my own feelings.

…to call when i’m running late.

…to show you that you are regarded and important to me.

…to consult you about how you feel and wish to be treated, instead of the latest book.

…to be your partner in our marriage and our family.

…to love, honor and respect you.

…to be faithful to you.

…to not forsake you.

…to keep it together.

will you take me again as your wife?"

he said yes... now will we continue to choose each other every day for the rest of our lives? i hope so.

the best man

2006-07-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

my husband's brother got married recently. and my husband was the best man. and as you know, the primary responsibility of the best man, besides throwing one hell of a bachelor party and making sure that the groom gets to the wedding on time and sober, is to give the toast to the new couple. so how do you look your brother, sister-in-law, and entire family in the eye (let alone your wife!) and make a speech about staying together forever through the good times and bad? well, my husband did a bang-up job of it. now the names have been removed to protect, well, everyone. but here it is:

'first let me take a moment to thank all of you for joining the bride and groom on their very special occasion. it means a lot to them to have all of you here to share this very special day with them.

what can i say about my brother. i first met him when he moved in one day when i was about 2. i thought the little noise machine was some kind of house guest or visitor but my mom said we had to keep him. suddenly i had to share my mom and dad and thus began the competition. it is a competition that has included swimming, fighting, girls, and according to mom and dad, a lot of bickering. it's a load of baloney because we grew up as perfect angels.

i know it is very hard to believe but that very healthy rivalry exists even today. but it is that rivalry that given my brother his drive. that is why he is here today, his desire to win, to be the best and to succeed in every aspect of his life. to be the best person he can be, the best father, and finally, to be the best husband. it's about time!

his wife is a wonderful woman. she is very patient and looks at the bright side of life. she must because otherwise there is no way she would be taking on the extremely daunting task of handling my brother for the rest of her life. she, and the rest of her family, are very welcome additions to our family. they are very special people and we are looking forward to many wonderful years together. now finally someone else can look out for my brother. all i have to say is, thank you, thank you , thank you.

since being together, they have had a special love hate relationship. it is full of sparks and fire. but they are both competitive and driven to succeed and that is why we are here celebrating today. they have fought for each other, run towards each other, occasionally hit each other but have chosen each other to make their relationship work. today they complete that task to be a family.

everyone please raise your glass to the bride and groom and their family. love each other, fight for each other, run toward each other and choose each other every day for the rest of your lives!"

now isn't that beautiful? picture the perfect pauses, smirks, and intonations. he did a remarkable job. i was bawling my eyes out while he gave the speech. my husband and i talked later during a dance (which he grabbed me and whipped me onto the dance floor! yay!). i told him how proud i was of him and what a wonderful job he did in writing it. he said it was hard to keep all of our crap out of it, but that the last sentence was all of our crap. i think that's wonderful.

while he was preparing the speech, he asked if i had any thoughts. so i slammed out a quick speech that included things like choosing each other. so i see that i had input. my brother in law and his new bride made a baby together almost five years ago and have been "duking it out" ever since (stay together, break up, get back, make up, break up, move in, move out, you name it). conversations i had with my mother in law seemed to include her desire that her youngest son be with someone he was in love with.

after all of this, i have come to this conclusion... you should not be hoping to meet the person you will be "in love" with for the rest of your life. you should be looking for the person you want to fight to keep for the rest of your life, the one you want to choose every day for the rest of your life. that's what it really is about.

hope continues

2006-07-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

i can't believe that we've been going through this for so long. my grandmother died over a year ago. it was last august, around the time of my son's second birthday, that my husband came to me and told me he was unhappy. yeah, august 11th. a day i'll never forget. the good thing is that now i look at it as being the start of the healing process, as opposed to the beginning of the end. that's a good thing.

i have to say, that if there is anyone out there who is looking for hope, you need to check out this website: www.retrouvaille.org. it truly is a lifesaver. it gives hope when there is none. it surrounds you with people who believe that marriage is something to be saved, not given up on. it gives hope and support and love and acceptance and understanding. the rest of the world does not understand. the rest of the world doesn't care. the rest of the world wants to fight back because you hurt. and the rest of the world does not know how to tell you to keep your marriage.

we have our moments... that will continue for quite sometime. but we have learned to be more patient with each other. he with me, and i with him. there are still rocky days. wow. rocky moments. let me tell you. but the bottom line is that i want to win this... i want to be the one with my husband, happy, intact, raising our children together. i don't want to do it alone. i don't want to do it complicated by someone else (his honey or mine) and their input. that's not fair to our children. it's not fair to us.

our family deserves to survive. damnit, i'm good enough for it. and my children are good enough. and my husband is too. and we will survive.

has it been that long?

2006-07-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

i can't believe it's been so long since i've made a post here. i guess things have been going well... lol.

actually they have. we have our moments. oh boy, do we have our moments. but overall, things are better. i daresay they are coming back to normal.

i quit my job last week. been working parttime as a bartender. the owner decided to be a jerk. so i quit. i mean when it's 15 minutes into your shift and you already decided it's done, it's gotta be serious, right? i was in the bathroom talking to my husband on the cell phone so early in my shift warning him... "if i come home tonight unemployed, don't be fucking surprised!" he was totally cool with it. six months ago he would have freaked out.

we are making plans to do trips and nice things for our home and possibly even lasik for our eyes. everything points towards the future together. hell, we've been talking about getting a cat. for cryin' out loud. can you believe it??

so, i hope that this continues. i will make an effort to get online to report the good things and not have this only be my place for freaking out. wouldn't that be nice? unfortunately, i am a writer during the bad times. it's my release and my outlet.

oh yeah, i'm going off my brain meds. halved my dose for the last 14 days. going to try today without them. wish me luck! i'm ready to be in control of my head.

maybe?

2006-04-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

we fought it out some more the other night after i came home from work. i explained that we had spent so much time not putting each other first and that bad habits die hard. we still have things to learn. he said that he was wondering if he had already learned all that he needed to know. i asked him twice what he meant by that. finally, he spelled it out. he'd already made the move to the front bedroom and he was now wondering if it was time to move all the way out the door.

he said that on wednesday (the day of a huge blow-out for us) that he felt insignificant and unimportant. that he felt like nothing. i told him that i had something to say that i knew i had to say, but was afraid to.

now, i always have to qualify things. so i told him that i was going to qualify my statement by explaining that my decisions on wednesday were in no way "payback" for what he had done. so many things had happened in my life during the previous year... my grandmother got even more ill, then passed away. my mom was diagnosed with a tumor on her pancreas and had surgery. our oldest son started preschool. my home based business was failing miserably. i told him that as i looked back on the previous year, at all of the times that i desperately needed him to be there for me, that i was utterly and completely alone. and that made me feel like nothing. i explained to him that i understood how he felt wednesday. i understood the chest-crushing pain, so unbelievably physical. who knew that heartache was a literal term?

we've continued on since then. he's still sleeping in the front room. but i am keeping my hopes up that as we continue on, he'll come back.

i love my husband. and part of him is like a child. he throws temper tantrums. he throws hissy fits. he expects the world to revolve around him. he is completely self-centered. but when we were dating, that self-centeredness attracted me to him. maybe because i had always been around selfless people. but that is a topic for another post.

i guess my point is that i love him. and hopefully he will see that we both have made and will continue to make mistakes. and we will have more setbacks through time, whether we are married another 6 months or 60 years. whether we have had BIG problems or just little ones. we all experience it in all of our relationships. but this is the place we can be safe, if only we allow ourselves to be. so maybe, just maybe we can continue on together...

i'm so tired...

2006-04-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

he's home. it's a bit after 1 p.m. he passed his exam. he's still being an asshole. asked him what his district manager said. he said not much. asked him how it went. he said it took longer than he thought it would and he was second guessing himself alot. i asked if he received his score. he said no that they only give scores to those who don't pass. asked him what his plans were for the rest of the day. he said he didn't know and why. said just wanted to know if i should be making dinner, etc. he said don't make dinner on my account. i asked if i should include him when i make dinner. he said no. i said okay. i left the room. i don't deserve this. i'm tired. when can i give up and have it be okay??

make love, not war

2006-04-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

so this past weekend was great. we had a post-session for a "marriage retreat" we attended in february. it was the third session of eight. he had been gone all day at a class for an insurance license and met me at the post-session.

the post was great. we heard some stories, shared some things. at one point he shared that the thing that is holding him back the most is forgiveness. particularly, forgiving himself for what he's done. i think it's incredible that what i've said all along is truly the thing that is holding him back. and it's nice to know that the process is starting. maybe the prayers are working??

we talked during the post on how to work together to have a plan for our home, our daily activities, responsibilities around the house and with the kids. it was a great conversation. it goes back to that horrible night where we fought for an hour and a half in our dark bedroom. that night i realized that his complaints were not about laundry and dirty floors, but about how i like to play before (or is that instead of??) work. and how my time is so overcommitted to so many things that i don't pay attention to the things within our household that need to be attended to. like CLICK! i finally got it!

we went home after the post and spent time together on the internet building and re-building his laptop computer for his new career path (the job is another story altogether...). we applied different coupons and discounts to try to get the best deal. and discussed over and over again whether or not to buy it yet. (we waited)

then we finally retired to our bedroom at 12:30 a.m. (then add the hour for the time change). we laid in bed and watched t.v. and visited some more and started to fall asleep in each other's arms. and then he made love to me. it had been nearly three weeks. i let him take control of the whole thing because i knew he was the one that had not felt "that way" for a while. it was wonderful just to connect again.

and in the morning when he left for his second day of classes, he kissed me goodbye.

history part one

2006-04-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

it was august 11th, 2005. a day i'm sure i will never forget. my husband came to me and said that he was very unhappy and that he loved me, but wasn't sure he was "in love" with me anymore.

shock and awe.

he went through all of the things that he was unhappy about... i cut him off in conversation, he feels unnecessary and unimportant around the house, i disregard his feelings and opinions on things, i don't talk to him anymore, that i had given up on our marriage. he then proceeded to tell me that maybe we would be happier if we split.

huh?

we were standing in our kitchen. i was leaning against the stove. he was on the other side of the kitchen counter. i talked to him, tears streaming down my face. okay, let's face it, it was more like niagra falls. i told him i hadn't realized that he was unhappy. to tell me more about what i was doing wrong so i could fix them.

he pointed out some things i was doing, like doting on him, doing things around the house without consulting with him, finishing his sentences, moving too fast. i cried some more.

i couldn't believe that this kind of conversation was happening. i couldn't believe that my husband, my best friend, the love of my life, was telling me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. how could this be???

he went back to tell me that obviously i hadn't been happy either. back in june (nearly two months after my grandmother had passed away, to whom i was very close) i had gone on antidepressants. i went to the doctor to find out why i was crying uncontrollably and had been off and on for several months. i hadn't even told him i had an appointment with the doctor and why. i simply called him at work and told him that i had a prescription and intended to use it. talk about left field. and since i didn't reach out to him, he said that was me running away from him. although i do remember during that telephone conversation, he kept asking me what he had done to not support me and what could he do to help me.

little did i know...

acting like everything is normal...

2006-03-29T22:05:00.000-08:00

...is something i get "accused" of often. my husband tells his mother (and others, i assume) that i just go on like nothing is wrong.

am i supposed to hang my head and be depressed all the time?

my mil suggested that maybe it was just the physicality that he was using to guage normalcy... meaning that maybe all the other things can be normal, but if we are physically connected (read: affectionate, sexual, holding hands, kissing), then that is the part where i act like everything is normal. i'll come back to this in a second...

women usually need to feel emotionally okay before they express love physically. men typically use physical love to connect emotionally. in other words, if there has been a fight or a disagreement, men will use the physical to let the woman know that everything is okay.

my husband is such a woman!

i've used the physical expression to make the emotional connection. even when i'm upset at him or we've fought, i use the physical to let him and me know that everything is okay.

so is he punishimg me? maybe. and certainly not out of the question.

but as i talked to my mil, i realized that it was something else.

when things have been bad, and we've still connected physically, i ask him why. we were fighting one night and he continued to say he wanted a divorce and that things were continuing to backslide and i still didn't listen to him and yada-yada-yada. so i asked him: "then what was last night all about??" the night before he had touched me so tenderly and we had an incredible love-making session. to me, it meant that even though things were hard right now that we were working on it and moving forward together. was he just using me for a good fuck?

so because things are still rocky and he's still uncertain, he is not connecting with me physically. he's using that to tell me that a) things are still not okay and b) to help me be clear.

is he still fucking her? i don't know.

i'd like to go back to feeling like everything is normal, though. it's been almost three weeks and i miss his touch.

but there are moments where the truth comes out... we were in bed the other night. it was cold in our room. we were close to each other in bed. he was rolled over, i was on my back right up next to him. i was awake, thinking about everything happening in our life right now. he was asleep and rolled over towards me. he put his arm around my waist, up in my pajama top (i am a skin-on-skin person), just touching me. his leg went over mine. it was tender. it was beautiful. and i laid there and cried.

and i prayed.

i don't know if i ever went to sleep that night. but that was normalcy. not acting like everything was normal. it was just normal. that was the truth of the heart. the truth of his heart.

i hope the truth continues to come out.

give me one reason...

2006-03-27T07:55:00.000-08:00

it blew up again last night. it wasn't the disk drive or the college fees or the laundry this time... at least not per se. it was everything. or nothing. it was midnight when i got home after a long night at work and a quick stop for pie and tea with my mom and an out-of-town cousin.

he was awake and not happy with me.

"give me one reason to not file for a divorce tomorrow."

great. back here again. roller coasters are fun at the amusement park, but not at home. we had a great late monday evening, a great thursday night. it's been downhill since.

he wanted to know when he gets to be happy. when does he get to come first.

as i sat there thinking to myself... when have you not been first???

but i told him, "go."

an hour and a half later, we were still talking, blaming, yelling, silencing our heartbreak, and feing hurt. i was tired. it was time to go to bed. i had enough.

what will today bring? not sure. i'm tired of the roller coaster.

and the one reason is me.

the silent treatment

2006-03-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

have you ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment? after he came home last night, i was the giver of the silent treatment. not like he talked to me at all when he came home. quite frankly, i don't even remember if he said hi, hello, or go to hell.

i finished doing the things i was doing... loaded the dishwasher, finished a load of laundry, cleaned up the toys in the backyard. i went upstairs with the laundry and the huge box of toilet paper. didn't say boo to him.

he was watching a movie.

i went upstairs to put the laundry away, check on the kids, and get in bed. thankfully there was a funny show on television that gave me some chuckles. i set the timer on the television and was asleep before the end of the show. that was somewhere around 11. who knows what time he came to bed.

but he didn't say a word to me until 3 a.m. when our oldest son tried to climb in bed with us. i didn't even realize it when he arrived, but got him back into his bed.

when my husband left this morning he didn't say anything to me. just went on his way.

i didn't worry about talking to him when he came home because i figured he was the one who walked out to do whatever... i think he went to clear his head and have something to eat. clearing the head is something i understand.

yesterday, the more i pressed him to talk the more pissed off he got. did he need his own space? i think so. so i gave it to him.

and all of this over a broken disk drive on the computer. amazing how out of proportion things are blown when there are already issues at hand.

it should be an interesting day. let's see how long the silent treatment continues.

walking out

2006-03-25T21:27:00.000-08:00

i never thought my husband would walk out of the house angry. he's been upset before. he's yelled. he's gone to the next room. i'm the one who walks away.

but tonight, he walked out of the house. simply turned off his computer, put on his shoes, told the boys to come and give him kisses. told me he was going out. i asked him when he'd be back. he said he didn't know. and he left.

stick a firecracker up my butt.

it's really hard to be angry at someone who is not there, although i think we've all tried.

he wasn't there to fight with. not that i fight much. i fight with him more in my head than with him directly.

but he left.

and now he's back. it's been a bit over an hour and a half. which means he didn't go to her house, unless she met him. he may have talked to her. i don't know. i guess i'm at the i-don't-care stage.

it's amazing how physical the feeling of devastation and heartbreak can be.

i'm going to bed now. i spent the time he was gone picking up around the house. he's watching a movie. i'm going to go upstairs and do the same. if he wants to talk, he'll have to come find me. i'm not walking out. at least, not tonight.

hypersensitive

2006-03-22T14:45:00.000-08:00

so i'm hypersensitive... it's a fact. i've also been called a "drama queen." oh well. life as a gemini, right? i don't usually question this judgement or scoff at the label.

there is someone who I thought was a good friend of mine. okay, at least a decent friend. our kids are friends. and we've spent time together, chatting, taking "field trips" with the kids, shopping, drinking, having playdates. you know, girlfriend stuff. but since all of this has happened (she knows most of it), she seems to kinda be avoiding me.

about a month ago i asked if i had offended her, if we were okay, or if both of us were just incredibly busy. she said that we were both just incredibly busy... i told her i was just hypersensitive right now and wanted to check to see if she and i were okay. she said yes.

i don't believe her. it's a month later. i still feel the cold shoulder. okay, yeah, i know, the cool shoulder. (i have to write that now that you know i'm a drama queen.)

why do others judge? or are they afraid that their life will be infected by the disease running through my family, my marriage, my life? an affair, a mid-life crisis, deceit, lying... are those contagious? my choices belong to me, no one else. if i choose to fight for my marriage, even though it is recovering from an affair, that's my choice. it's not something for anyone else to judge.

but then again, if they didn't know... then they couldn't judge. but being my hypersensitive, drama-queen self, i freaked when i realized things were going downhill in my marriage. something wasn't right, and i was looking for answers. unfortunately, i looked to people who were (yes, were) close to my husband for answers or clues or ideas. and when i filed for a divorce, i told even more people because i was certain it was over. why in theeeee hell would i stay with a cheater? but he said that when i told others, i cut him off from his support system and made him alone.

well, i have news for him: looking back, in my calendar, in my memory, over the past year, i was truly and completely alone then. and i feel alone now too.

if we can put aside all of this and fix our marriage, we can move forward. and two lonely people? maybe we can make that into one content couple once again.

but dr. seuss put it best... be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.