all me

okay, now before you go dialing the one-eight-hundred-oh-my-gosh-keep-her-from-pulling-the-trigger hotline, i'm fine.

but did you ever think that there was no point? were you ever ready to just plain old give up? i am. i just think this is pointless. it's too hard. it's exhausting. i try and i try and i try. and just when i think i have control over my feelings and emotions, bam! i just want to fuckin' end it all.

i don't know how common this feeling is. or this desire. or whatever. i used to think it was very uncommon. i used to think i was the only one who felt this way.

but after seeing how commonplace other things are, i realized that maybe i'm just not alone.

how much of this is the devil?? sometimes i think that he's constantly there testing me and trying to send me down the wrong path.

sometimes i think i think too much. i analyze things too much. i think that everything is about me, when it certainly is not. and maybe that's the lesson in all of this.

i have my moments. it goes back and forth. i had a rotten day today. well, sometimes it was rotten other times it was fine. i had many moments today when i truly understood why some people lock themselves in their homes and never come out. there are very stupid people out in this world. i think i met most of them today. or at least the overwhelming majority of people who crossed my path today were in that "very stupid people" category.

then i talk to my husband on the phone today. damn, he had a bad day too. so i felt better that it wasn't just me who ended up with stupid people in my path. that we had something in common, something to talk about. unfortunately, because we both had bad days, i think we made poor partners for the other.

dinner sucked ass.

he headed off to the grocery store a few minutes ago. asked me if i wanted anything. i felt like asking him if he was upset with me, but didn't want to make it about me. so let him go. i don't anticipate he'll be gone long. but as he walks out the door, and trust me, i wanted to go to the store like that too, i can't help but feeling that i failed him today. but remember, this isn't only about me.

well, hell, this is my blog, so it's nothing else but about me. so there.

well fuck it. just done today. just don't want to do this anymore. but in five minutes i'll be fine. time to go back on the brain meds? or is it because there is truly something wrong in my life? how and when do i find the balance, the answers? i'm tired. i'm so very tired. i just don't want to do this anymore.

help.