and then the phone rings...

...this afternoon. it's the common friend. "would you like to meet at the pool this afternoon to go swimming?" made my day.

still want to run away, though. :-) just not as badly.

another runaway day

yeah, it's another one of those. another day that i just wanna run away. why? well, another day i just feel alone.

i met someone new on the way to school one day. we have a friend in common. it turns out, though, that this friend in common is someone that, i judge, doesn't really want to be friends with me anymore based on what she knows about my life. the new friend said that she was going to try to have coffee on wednesday mornings at her house. how nice. and that she was sure the common friend has my number. so implying that the invite would be extended through the common friend to me... right? well, this morning i pass by the new friends house only to see the common friend's car parked right out front. no phone call. i'm sad.

i want to run away.

everybody knows.

it's my fault that they all know. i'm the one that told everyone. i'm the one that practically placed the ad in the newspaper. but i was done. it was over as far as i was concerned. i didn't think our marriage was salvageable. i didn't think we would even try to fix it. hell, i didn't want to. so why did i care who knew?

and now they all do.

and now i'm paying for it.

i just want to run away.

i want to pack everyone and everything up and move. away. where no one knows. and start new.

i wonder if this new friend knows. i hope not. i really don't think that the common friend would have said anything. i don't think she's like that. but i found myself crying on my way home from school this morning, reaching down to grab the hand of my youngest son and walking ever-so-quickly and ever-so-quietly as we went past the open windows of the new friend's house-on-the-corner. just hurrying home so i could hurt in the comfort of my own walls.

it begs the question... do i push people away? i wanted to pick up the phone and call a girlfriend or two, but i wondered if i just always buried myself inside of my own life and pushed people away. and if a phone call would seem self-serving or fake or insincere. am i one of those people you only hear from if i need something? maybe i am. i don't know. maybe i'm the pretentious bitch.

maybe if i run away i can be somebody's friend. maybe i can go somewhere else and pretend. maybe that will stop the hurt. i just want to run away from all of these people. my mom, my friends, my priest, my neighbors, my enemies, my former co-workers, my in-laws, my everything. people who are at times my greatest support system and my greatest pain. my greatest reminders. it hurts too much.

i just want to run away.

forgiveness

well, we just got back from a follow up weekend to our first retrouvaille weekend. this one was called formation. the purpose is to delve further into your story and to start to tell it. so we had to write our introduction. it's a back-and-forth thing... how many years you've been married, kids, how you met, what led to the breakdown of your marriage, how things are going now, your hope for the future. quite powerful if you ask me.

for the first time in a long time, my husband actually tackled me on the bed and kissed me! i mean kissed me like he wanted me, loved me, needed me, had to have ME. it was pretty awesome. we talked. we cried. oh hell, i cried like a blubbering idiot for most of the weekend.

one of the questions that was asked: "if this were the last letter i would write to you, for what would i ask your forgiveness?" (if you are familiar with retrouvaille or marriage encounter, you'll understand the "letter" part.) my husband said he would ask forgiveness for not being a good father and for not being a good husband. wow.

he referenced the movie saving private ryan. at the end of the movie, the older version of private ryan asks his wife to tell him that he's been a good husband and a good father. my husband wrote that he has been striving everyday towards that goal. what a great way to end your day, on a reflective note. was i a good spouse today? was i a good parent? i'm sure that wouldn't be able to answer yes everyday. then again, with that thought in mind everyday, maybe i would strive a little harder, knowing that i had to answer that question at night for myself, honestly and reflectively.

so we forgave each other a little more this weekend. and i say that because i have learned that forgiveness is not necessarily a single act that wipes away one incident. sometimes it is an ongoing process. i find myself forgiving my husband every day. heck, sometimes i forgive him several times a day. and twenty minutes later i have to forgive him again. just because my heart and my mind begin to wander. it's not easy. but it is something we have both decided to do.

all me

okay, now before you go dialing the one-eight-hundred-oh-my-gosh-keep-her-from-pulling-the-trigger hotline, i'm fine.

but did you ever think that there was no point? were you ever ready to just plain old give up? i am. i just think this is pointless. it's too hard. it's exhausting. i try and i try and i try. and just when i think i have control over my feelings and emotions, bam! i just want to fuckin' end it all.

i don't know how common this feeling is. or this desire. or whatever. i used to think it was very uncommon. i used to think i was the only one who felt this way.

but after seeing how commonplace other things are, i realized that maybe i'm just not alone.

how much of this is the devil?? sometimes i think that he's constantly there testing me and trying to send me down the wrong path.

sometimes i think i think too much. i analyze things too much. i think that everything is about me, when it certainly is not. and maybe that's the lesson in all of this.

i have my moments. it goes back and forth. i had a rotten day today. well, sometimes it was rotten other times it was fine. i had many moments today when i truly understood why some people lock themselves in their homes and never come out. there are very stupid people out in this world. i think i met most of them today. or at least the overwhelming majority of people who crossed my path today were in that "very stupid people" category.

then i talk to my husband on the phone today. damn, he had a bad day too. so i felt better that it wasn't just me who ended up with stupid people in my path. that we had something in common, something to talk about. unfortunately, because we both had bad days, i think we made poor partners for the other.

dinner sucked ass.

he headed off to the grocery store a few minutes ago. asked me if i wanted anything. i felt like asking him if he was upset with me, but didn't want to make it about me. so let him go. i don't anticipate he'll be gone long. but as he walks out the door, and trust me, i wanted to go to the store like that too, i can't help but feeling that i failed him today. but remember, this isn't only about me.

well, hell, this is my blog, so it's nothing else but about me. so there.

well fuck it. just done today. just don't want to do this anymore. but in five minutes i'll be fine. time to go back on the brain meds? or is it because there is truly something wrong in my life? how and when do i find the balance, the answers? i'm tired. i'm so very tired. i just don't want to do this anymore.

help.

wtf

can't win... hell, i don't even think i'm talented enough to lose. at least not completely.

have you ever asked for forgiveness from someone? no, i don't mean just saying "i'm sorry" but actually saying "will you forgive me?" there is quite a difference. i think they both go hand-in-hand. you say the first to acknowledge your wrongdoing, you say the second to put your "release" into the hands of the other person. whether or not they forgive you is, well, up to them.

what do i get back? "it's not all about you." great. thanks. my purpose for asking for forgiveness and saying that i was sorry was not about me. it actually was about him. it truly was to acknowledge that i did something to hurt him and to show remorse, do penance, etc. it wasn't about me.

so off he goes to work. he has time to think about it. me and my big damn mouth. geez oh. and people wonder why i stop fighting. i stop fighting because when i let my mouth say what my mind is thinking, it gets me into more trouble. i just can't win.

you shoulda seen my dreams last night. oh boy. actually, you shouldn't have. i'm going to wipe those from all memory. ugh-leee.

psychotic people

so i started a new job last night. and i quit it today.

crazy people, man. totally, completely, 100% psycotic, insane people. i've never....

my "hr" head was spinning, let alone my heeby-jeeby head and my consumer head. they make you clock out before you run your reports and close your cash drawer. then they take the bread that has already been at the table and served to people, return it to another bag and use it to make their croutons. yeah, so what, it's fried at 300-375 degrees and made into croutons. i don't care if it's cremated and sprinkled on top of the blackened swordfish. it's against health regs to take any food that has been served to any person or returned from any eating area to be served again or used in the preparation of other food. and then the owner wanted to argue with me over it on the telephone. whatever.

no loss. gotta find something to do from home. i mean, really, there must be something.

wish me luck.