the tiki room

one of the birds in the tiki room and disneyland, "the happiest place on earth," says something so very funny. it was so funny i needed to write it down:

stop talking while i'm interrupting you!

this is my life.

i promise

i forgot to post about father's day. i took my husband out on the night before father's day. unfortunately, it had been a horrible day, not to mention what the rest of the weekend would bring, but i was bound and determined to go out that night. i had his wedding ring re-sized (he had lost some weight over the previous couple of years and it would literally fall off of his finger) and engraved with the date of 6/17/06, which was our nine year, four month wedding anniversary. a new beginning? or the beginning of the end? sometimes i still wonder.

anyways, i gave him his father's day card from me and read the following to him:

"when i first married you 9 years, four months and a day ago, i did not know where life would take us. we have had wonderful blessings and desperate trials. we have been given a second chance at happiness for ourselves and together. since we’ve opened our eyes again, i see you, the man i chose twelve years ago, the man i’ve grown to love fully and completely. therefore, today, i promise…

…to interrupt you when you’re speaking only in case of an actual emergency.

…to say “i was wrong, you were right” when it’s actually true.

…to remind you of why you married me and why i married you.

…to be thankful for you everyday.

…to choose you everyday by saying “i do” to us.

…to share my feelings and thoughts and fears and dreams with you.

…to tell you, instead of someone else, when i’m mad at you.

…to kiss you when you come home and say goodnight before we fall asleep.

…to dream again.

…to tell you every day that i love you, and to show it with a smile, a kiss, a tender touch.

…to not take you for granted.

…to take responsibility for my own feelings.

…to call when i’m running late.

…to show you that you are regarded and important to me.

…to consult you about how you feel and wish to be treated, instead of the latest book.

…to be your partner in our marriage and our family.

…to love, honor and respect you.

…to be faithful to you.

…to not forsake you.

…to keep it together.

will you take me again as your wife?"

he said yes... now will we continue to choose each other every day for the rest of our lives? i hope so.

the best man

my husband's brother got married recently. and my husband was the best man. and as you know, the primary responsibility of the best man, besides throwing one hell of a bachelor party and making sure that the groom gets to the wedding on time and sober, is to give the toast to the new couple. so how do you look your brother, sister-in-law, and entire family in the eye (let alone your wife!) and make a speech about staying together forever through the good times and bad? well, my husband did a bang-up job of it. now the names have been removed to protect, well, everyone. but here it is:

'first let me take a moment to thank all of you for joining the bride and groom on their very special occasion. it means a lot to them to have all of you here to share this very special day with them.

what can i say about my brother. i first met him when he moved in one day when i was about 2. i thought the little noise machine was some kind of house guest or visitor but my mom said we had to keep him. suddenly i had to share my mom and dad and thus began the competition. it is a competition that has included swimming, fighting, girls, and according to mom and dad, a lot of bickering. it's a load of baloney because we grew up as perfect angels.

i know it is very hard to believe but that very healthy rivalry exists even today. but it is that rivalry that given my brother his drive. that is why he is here today, his desire to win, to be the best and to succeed in every aspect of his life. to be the best person he can be, the best father, and finally, to be the best husband. it's about time!

his wife is a wonderful woman. she is very patient and looks at the bright side of life. she must because otherwise there is no way she would be taking on the extremely daunting task of handling my brother for the rest of her life. she, and the rest of her family, are very welcome additions to our family. they are very special people and we are looking forward to many wonderful years together. now finally someone else can look out for my brother. all i have to say is, thank you, thank you , thank you.

since being together, they have had a special love hate relationship. it is full of sparks and fire. but they are both competitive and driven to succeed and that is why we are here celebrating today. they have fought for each other, run towards each other, occasionally hit each other but have chosen each other to make their relationship work. today they complete that task to be a family.

everyone please raise your glass to the bride and groom and their family. love each other, fight for each other, run toward each other and choose each other every day for the rest of your lives!"

now isn't that beautiful? picture the perfect pauses, smirks, and intonations. he did a remarkable job. i was bawling my eyes out while he gave the speech. my husband and i talked later during a dance (which he grabbed me and whipped me onto the dance floor! yay!). i told him how proud i was of him and what a wonderful job he did in writing it. he said it was hard to keep all of our crap out of it, but that the last sentence was all of our crap. i think that's wonderful.

while he was preparing the speech, he asked if i had any thoughts. so i slammed out a quick speech that included things like choosing each other. so i see that i had input. my brother in law and his new bride made a baby together almost five years ago and have been "duking it out" ever since (stay together, break up, get back, make up, break up, move in, move out, you name it). conversations i had with my mother in law seemed to include her desire that her youngest son be with someone he was in love with.

after all of this, i have come to this conclusion... you should not be hoping to meet the person you will be "in love" with for the rest of your life. you should be looking for the person you want to fight to keep for the rest of your life, the one you want to choose every day for the rest of your life. that's what it really is about.

hope continues

i can't believe that we've been going through this for so long. my grandmother died over a year ago. it was last august, around the time of my son's second birthday, that my husband came to me and told me he was unhappy. yeah, august 11th. a day i'll never forget. the good thing is that now i look at it as being the start of the healing process, as opposed to the beginning of the end. that's a good thing.

i have to say, that if there is anyone out there who is looking for hope, you need to check out this website: www.retrouvaille.org. it truly is a lifesaver. it gives hope when there is none. it surrounds you with people who believe that marriage is something to be saved, not given up on. it gives hope and support and love and acceptance and understanding. the rest of the world does not understand. the rest of the world doesn't care. the rest of the world wants to fight back because you hurt. and the rest of the world does not know how to tell you to keep your marriage.

we have our moments... that will continue for quite sometime. but we have learned to be more patient with each other. he with me, and i with him. there are still rocky days. wow. rocky moments. let me tell you. but the bottom line is that i want to win this... i want to be the one with my husband, happy, intact, raising our children together. i don't want to do it alone. i don't want to do it complicated by someone else (his honey or mine) and their input. that's not fair to our children. it's not fair to us.

our family deserves to survive. damnit, i'm good enough for it. and my children are good enough. and my husband is too. and we will survive.

has it been that long?

i can't believe it's been so long since i've made a post here. i guess things have been going well... lol.

actually they have. we have our moments. oh boy, do we have our moments. but overall, things are better. i daresay they are coming back to normal.

i quit my job last week. been working parttime as a bartender. the owner decided to be a jerk. so i quit. i mean when it's 15 minutes into your shift and you already decided it's done, it's gotta be serious, right? i was in the bathroom talking to my husband on the cell phone so early in my shift warning him... "if i come home tonight unemployed, don't be fucking surprised!" he was totally cool with it. six months ago he would have freaked out.

we are making plans to do trips and nice things for our home and possibly even lasik for our eyes. everything points towards the future together. hell, we've been talking about getting a cat. for cryin' out loud. can you believe it??

so, i hope that this continues. i will make an effort to get online to report the good things and not have this only be my place for freaking out. wouldn't that be nice? unfortunately, i am a writer during the bad times. it's my release and my outlet.

oh yeah, i'm going off my brain meds. halved my dose for the last 14 days. going to try today without them. wish me luck! i'm ready to be in control of my head.