acting like everything is normal...

...is something i get "accused" of often. my husband tells his mother (and others, i assume) that i just go on like nothing is wrong.

am i supposed to hang my head and be depressed all the time?

my mil suggested that maybe it was just the physicality that he was using to guage normalcy... meaning that maybe all the other things can be normal, but if we are physically connected (read: affectionate, sexual, holding hands, kissing), then that is the part where i act like everything is normal. i'll come back to this in a second...

women usually need to feel emotionally okay before they express love physically. men typically use physical love to connect emotionally. in other words, if there has been a fight or a disagreement, men will use the physical to let the woman know that everything is okay.

my husband is such a woman!

i've used the physical expression to make the emotional connection. even when i'm upset at him or we've fought, i use the physical to let him and me know that everything is okay.

so is he punishimg me? maybe. and certainly not out of the question.

but as i talked to my mil, i realized that it was something else.

when things have been bad, and we've still connected physically, i ask him why. we were fighting one night and he continued to say he wanted a divorce and that things were continuing to backslide and i still didn't listen to him and yada-yada-yada. so i asked him: "then what was last night all about??" the night before he had touched me so tenderly and we had an incredible love-making session. to me, it meant that even though things were hard right now that we were working on it and moving forward together. was he just using me for a good fuck?

so because things are still rocky and he's still uncertain, he is not connecting with me physically. he's using that to tell me that a) things are still not okay and b) to help me be clear.

is he still fucking her? i don't know.

i'd like to go back to feeling like everything is normal, though. it's been almost three weeks and i miss his touch.

but there are moments where the truth comes out... we were in bed the other night. it was cold in our room. we were close to each other in bed. he was rolled over, i was on my back right up next to him. i was awake, thinking about everything happening in our life right now. he was asleep and rolled over towards me. he put his arm around my waist, up in my pajama top (i am a skin-on-skin person), just touching me. his leg went over mine. it was tender. it was beautiful. and i laid there and cried.

and i prayed.

i don't know if i ever went to sleep that night. but that was normalcy. not acting like everything was normal. it was just normal. that was the truth of the heart. the truth of his heart.

i hope the truth continues to come out.

give me one reason...

it blew up again last night. it wasn't the disk drive or the college fees or the laundry this time... at least not per se. it was everything. or nothing. it was midnight when i got home after a long night at work and a quick stop for pie and tea with my mom and an out-of-town cousin.

he was awake and not happy with me.

"give me one reason to not file for a divorce tomorrow."

great. back here again. roller coasters are fun at the amusement park, but not at home. we had a great late monday evening, a great thursday night. it's been downhill since.

he wanted to know when he gets to be happy. when does he get to come first.

as i sat there thinking to myself... when have you not been first???

but i told him, "go."

an hour and a half later, we were still talking, blaming, yelling, silencing our heartbreak, and feing hurt. i was tired. it was time to go to bed. i had enough.

what will today bring? not sure. i'm tired of the roller coaster.

and the one reason is me.

the silent treatment

have you ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment? after he came home last night, i was the giver of the silent treatment. not like he talked to me at all when he came home. quite frankly, i don't even remember if he said hi, hello, or go to hell.

i finished doing the things i was doing... loaded the dishwasher, finished a load of laundry, cleaned up the toys in the backyard. i went upstairs with the laundry and the huge box of toilet paper. didn't say boo to him.

he was watching a movie.

i went upstairs to put the laundry away, check on the kids, and get in bed. thankfully there was a funny show on television that gave me some chuckles. i set the timer on the television and was asleep before the end of the show. that was somewhere around 11. who knows what time he came to bed.

but he didn't say a word to me until 3 a.m. when our oldest son tried to climb in bed with us. i didn't even realize it when he arrived, but got him back into his bed.

when my husband left this morning he didn't say anything to me. just went on his way.

i didn't worry about talking to him when he came home because i figured he was the one who walked out to do whatever... i think he went to clear his head and have something to eat. clearing the head is something i understand.

yesterday, the more i pressed him to talk the more pissed off he got. did he need his own space? i think so. so i gave it to him.

and all of this over a broken disk drive on the computer. amazing how out of proportion things are blown when there are already issues at hand.

it should be an interesting day. let's see how long the silent treatment continues.

walking out

i never thought my husband would walk out of the house angry. he's been upset before. he's yelled. he's gone to the next room. i'm the one who walks away.

but tonight, he walked out of the house. simply turned off his computer, put on his shoes, told the boys to come and give him kisses. told me he was going out. i asked him when he'd be back. he said he didn't know. and he left.

stick a firecracker up my butt.

it's really hard to be angry at someone who is not there, although i think we've all tried.

he wasn't there to fight with. not that i fight much. i fight with him more in my head than with him directly.

but he left.

and now he's back. it's been a bit over an hour and a half. which means he didn't go to her house, unless she met him. he may have talked to her. i don't know. i guess i'm at the i-don't-care stage.

it's amazing how physical the feeling of devastation and heartbreak can be.

i'm going to bed now. i spent the time he was gone picking up around the house. he's watching a movie. i'm going to go upstairs and do the same. if he wants to talk, he'll have to come find me. i'm not walking out. at least, not tonight.

hypersensitive

so i'm hypersensitive... it's a fact. i've also been called a "drama queen." oh well. life as a gemini, right? i don't usually question this judgement or scoff at the label.

there is someone who I thought was a good friend of mine. okay, at least a decent friend. our kids are friends. and we've spent time together, chatting, taking "field trips" with the kids, shopping, drinking, having playdates. you know, girlfriend stuff. but since all of this has happened (she knows most of it), she seems to kinda be avoiding me.

about a month ago i asked if i had offended her, if we were okay, or if both of us were just incredibly busy. she said that we were both just incredibly busy... i told her i was just hypersensitive right now and wanted to check to see if she and i were okay. she said yes.

i don't believe her. it's a month later. i still feel the cold shoulder. okay, yeah, i know, the cool shoulder. (i have to write that now that you know i'm a drama queen.)

why do others judge? or are they afraid that their life will be infected by the disease running through my family, my marriage, my life? an affair, a mid-life crisis, deceit, lying... are those contagious? my choices belong to me, no one else. if i choose to fight for my marriage, even though it is recovering from an affair, that's my choice. it's not something for anyone else to judge.

but then again, if they didn't know... then they couldn't judge. but being my hypersensitive, drama-queen self, i freaked when i realized things were going downhill in my marriage. something wasn't right, and i was looking for answers. unfortunately, i looked to people who were (yes, were) close to my husband for answers or clues or ideas. and when i filed for a divorce, i told even more people because i was certain it was over. why in theeeee hell would i stay with a cheater? but he said that when i told others, i cut him off from his support system and made him alone.

well, i have news for him: looking back, in my calendar, in my memory, over the past year, i was truly and completely alone then. and i feel alone now too.

if we can put aside all of this and fix our marriage, we can move forward. and two lonely people? maybe we can make that into one content couple once again.

but dr. seuss put it best... be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.