has it been that long?

i can't believe that it's july 2007 and i haven't posted since october. i guess a lot of silence either means extreme good or extreme bad. it's done the pendulum swing, for sure. both good and bad stuff has happened.

bottom line? we're still hanging in there. or should i say i am. having a hard night right now. even though i've realized i have to be comfortable in my own skin and own existence and am the only one that can own ME, i still want to run away!! no, i'm not kidding.

lots of talk lately about moving. i'm thinking denver area. but he's miserable in his job and it's time for him to move on. so i'm pushing for out of state, or out of area at least. i know he's still in contact with her, i just don't know exactly to what extent and for what purpose. i figure that a great mileage distance involving an airline trip will squash more of this.

besides, what kind of psycho-bitch does it take to stay involved with a married man?? for cryin' out loud! oh yeah, here's the kicker... guess what her mother does for a living? no, seriously, guess... see the answer later. i really want you to give a good guess.

so don't run the whole question about what kind of a psycho-married-asshole it takes to stay involved with another woman. i've already asked that. more on another post.

so otherwise life is honkey dorey. lots of activities with the family. i started another business and he's very encouraging and supportive and helpful. lots of future plans, which had been missing prior to this past year. and occasional (we're working on this area) declarations that he wants to go do something with his wife.

you know what? i've won.

marriage and family therapist.

enjoy that giggle.

peace at the lake

we went camping this weekend at a lake about an hour and a half from our house. besides the fact that he was a little cranky when we left home and when we got there (and acknowledged it!!! mark that date on the calendar!), we had a great time.

his parents were in the site next to us (it was planned that way). it was nice to get away and let the kids play and relax. we rented a pontoon boat on saturday and cruised the lake while stopping occasionally to fish. yeah, to fish, not catch. apparently the fish don't like us.

my husband was in his usual form... making jokes and picking on everybody. he was happy and laughing and the rest of us were too. it was a great weekend.

on the way home i was thinking to myself that i just needed to start being normal... as opposed to a wife that is getting over stuff. make sense? just be normal.

keep your fingers crossed that this works!

let me build one for you right now!

he just called me on his way to the dealership. now mind you, the dealership is over on the side of town that he grew up in. and yes, there has been a lot of building and such in the 12 years he's been on "this side" of town. but he wants to know where the closest gas station is to the dealership.

so i give him two options.

not good enough.

then i give him a third.

still not good enough.

"dear god" is what i hear come out of his mouth. and if you heard the way he said it, you'd see his eyes roll back in his head and hear the "oooooooohhhhhh" in the back of his throat.

like i'm supposed to come over there and build a freakin' gas station for you right there in the middle of town? gimme a break.

i had even apologized for the miscommunication just 40 minutes earlier...

oy ve.

are you kidding me??

i mean really, you've got to be joking. you can't be serious.

it's said that when you assume something you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." i assume often. but then again, i don't think my husband is always very specific.

we had a rental car yesterday that we re-picked up (they didn't fix my car right so we got back the same rental car we just turned in). my husband says to me as he starts the car, "do i have to worry about gas in this thing?" i said "no." we go on our merry way.

both of our cars are done at the dealership today, so i go back to pick up my car (after the shuttle comes to pick up me and the youngest). i take a few extra moments and pay for his car so that all he has to do is drop off the rental and pick up the keys to his car and jet home. i leave him a voicemail to that effect.

this afternoon i shoot him an e-mail telling him that he has to fill the gas tank in the rental car to just below 1/2 tank before turning it in or they'll charge us $5 a gallon. just want to give you a heads up.

no sooner do i hit "send" and the phone rings. "i asked you that question yesterday." what?? "i said do i have to worry about gas and you said no." i don't remember you asking that question and me giving that response. he spelled out when it happened. and i said yeah, i thought you were asking me if you needed more gas to get to work tomorrow. i was telling you that you were fine.

dang if he wasn't pissed at 1) the inconvenience that he has to a) get gas in the car and b) guess how much it will take to put it just below the halfway point and 2) that i accepted a rental car that did not have a full gas tank and 3) that i did not tell him yesterday that he had to worry about gas in that thing.

are you kidding me??

i apologized for not understanding his question. although i pointed out that if he had been more specific in his question that i would have answered it differently.

but give me a break.

any thank you's out there for lining stuff up at the dealership so you just had to pick up your car?

anyone? anyone? are you there?

oh brother.

it's good to be surrounded...

...by people who know. by people who don't care. by family. by loved ones. by people who by extension become part of your family. by people who you don't have to say anything to or explain, they just understand.

i struggle with wanting to run away. my husband and i have even been discussing it. sometimes the urge is overwhelming. i just want to leave this place. i want to move far, far away.

my brother-in-law called yesterday and we chatted for a while. it was nice to be able to talk and throw some stuff out there. i told him that part of me wants to go away because i think that everyone around us judges us. or shall i say judges me? with every look, every comment, every move, i think that others judge me and my decisions. it's a horrible thing to live with. but my brother-in-law put it very succinctly: we don't think about it all that much. and for those who have the audacity to judge, fuck 'em. you don't need them.

he's right.

but i still want to move. i'm ready for a new adventure.

i hate my brain

it thinks too much. it just doesn't stop. things are good. they are "proper," for lack of a better term. the dh is acting "appropriately." so what do i start doing?

i go snooping.

i feel a migraine coming on.

and then the phone rings...

...this afternoon. it's the common friend. "would you like to meet at the pool this afternoon to go swimming?" made my day.

still want to run away, though. :-) just not as badly.

another runaway day

yeah, it's another one of those. another day that i just wanna run away. why? well, another day i just feel alone.

i met someone new on the way to school one day. we have a friend in common. it turns out, though, that this friend in common is someone that, i judge, doesn't really want to be friends with me anymore based on what she knows about my life. the new friend said that she was going to try to have coffee on wednesday mornings at her house. how nice. and that she was sure the common friend has my number. so implying that the invite would be extended through the common friend to me... right? well, this morning i pass by the new friends house only to see the common friend's car parked right out front. no phone call. i'm sad.

i want to run away.

everybody knows.

it's my fault that they all know. i'm the one that told everyone. i'm the one that practically placed the ad in the newspaper. but i was done. it was over as far as i was concerned. i didn't think our marriage was salvageable. i didn't think we would even try to fix it. hell, i didn't want to. so why did i care who knew?

and now they all do.

and now i'm paying for it.

i just want to run away.

i want to pack everyone and everything up and move. away. where no one knows. and start new.

i wonder if this new friend knows. i hope not. i really don't think that the common friend would have said anything. i don't think she's like that. but i found myself crying on my way home from school this morning, reaching down to grab the hand of my youngest son and walking ever-so-quickly and ever-so-quietly as we went past the open windows of the new friend's house-on-the-corner. just hurrying home so i could hurt in the comfort of my own walls.

it begs the question... do i push people away? i wanted to pick up the phone and call a girlfriend or two, but i wondered if i just always buried myself inside of my own life and pushed people away. and if a phone call would seem self-serving or fake or insincere. am i one of those people you only hear from if i need something? maybe i am. i don't know. maybe i'm the pretentious bitch.

maybe if i run away i can be somebody's friend. maybe i can go somewhere else and pretend. maybe that will stop the hurt. i just want to run away from all of these people. my mom, my friends, my priest, my neighbors, my enemies, my former co-workers, my in-laws, my everything. people who are at times my greatest support system and my greatest pain. my greatest reminders. it hurts too much.

i just want to run away.

forgiveness

well, we just got back from a follow up weekend to our first retrouvaille weekend. this one was called formation. the purpose is to delve further into your story and to start to tell it. so we had to write our introduction. it's a back-and-forth thing... how many years you've been married, kids, how you met, what led to the breakdown of your marriage, how things are going now, your hope for the future. quite powerful if you ask me.

for the first time in a long time, my husband actually tackled me on the bed and kissed me! i mean kissed me like he wanted me, loved me, needed me, had to have ME. it was pretty awesome. we talked. we cried. oh hell, i cried like a blubbering idiot for most of the weekend.

one of the questions that was asked: "if this were the last letter i would write to you, for what would i ask your forgiveness?" (if you are familiar with retrouvaille or marriage encounter, you'll understand the "letter" part.) my husband said he would ask forgiveness for not being a good father and for not being a good husband. wow.

he referenced the movie saving private ryan. at the end of the movie, the older version of private ryan asks his wife to tell him that he's been a good husband and a good father. my husband wrote that he has been striving everyday towards that goal. what a great way to end your day, on a reflective note. was i a good spouse today? was i a good parent? i'm sure that wouldn't be able to answer yes everyday. then again, with that thought in mind everyday, maybe i would strive a little harder, knowing that i had to answer that question at night for myself, honestly and reflectively.

so we forgave each other a little more this weekend. and i say that because i have learned that forgiveness is not necessarily a single act that wipes away one incident. sometimes it is an ongoing process. i find myself forgiving my husband every day. heck, sometimes i forgive him several times a day. and twenty minutes later i have to forgive him again. just because my heart and my mind begin to wander. it's not easy. but it is something we have both decided to do.